brighton: new neighbourhood


porn stars and pilots

malevolent land gulls and girls

who smell like parma violets

dead mouse

that roadhouse feel

behind bars or planchas

disproportionately gummy

inky tarantulas

freshly pressed blondes

sharp nose and sourdough

an unforgivable scene

deep ellum grove

it sounds like a blue note

tender control

fleet geeks and herberts

little jack’s corner

coca cola and sherbet

floor her and fawn her

pubic transpurt

Long Road, Clapham Common

oh, why can’t we just have sex?

you like me and i like you

so why can’t we just do it?

yes, right here in this bus stop

ok, well, maybe not here

but somewhere close by

in the very near future

why can’t that happen?

i don’t understand

no, i don’t want to talk any more

and coffee gives me gas

dinner?  don’t push it, love

i just want to have it off with you

you know, in the old fashioned way

naked, just the two of us

no talking, only porking

a date? oh for fuck’s sake

the moment’s going, love

why can’t we just bang?

instead of holding hands

and me trying to make you laugh

and saying anything

literally, anything

to get your clothes off

things along the lines of

“yes, my favourite colour’s teal” and

“no, i want to take my time, too…”

do i shit!

all i want to do is hump you senseless

on the futon back at my flat

it would be great

we could do loooooads of jiggy jig

and then eat jaffa cakes

and watch Match of the Day

what do you say?

what do you mean you’ve got to go?

your bus is here?

the number eight?

brilliant, that’s near where i’m staying

we could bonk on the bus

if you’re running late

or on the steps of your house

if you really can’t wait

hey, don’t look at me like that

like i’m some dirty perv

only after one thing

what a nerve! As if!

is that what you think of me?

we’ve only just met

and all I can think of

is parting your legs?

that is pretty astute, to be fair

so, yeah…

is this going anywhere?

i didn’t think so

you made it quite clear

when you called the police

when i sniffed your hair

though, it’s not all bad

the cop shop’s right next to my gaff

i can walk home from there



six legs, six breasts

and the rest

my greatest invention yet

with all three of her heads

turning heads

they’re tricky to ignore

for sure

they’ll leave you impressed

impeccably dressed and manicured

it’s impossibly hard to remove them

from shoe stores

a force to be reckoned with

sexually speaking

it might be the night of your life

that stitched-up foursome

of which you’ve been dreaming

but taking part

is not for faint heart

but if you think you can take it

i give you fair warning that

they’re a pretty freaky naked lot

and in the light of the morn

they resemble

an amputee pawn shop
and if you’re wondering

which one’s the “real” her?

she’ll soon let you know

when she’s full of tequila

on a saturday night

and dancing to bieber

and you try to feel her

and two pairs of legs

remain on the floor

while one pair swing up

and your balls are no more